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Happy Valentine’s Day! On Valentine’s Day, most people in relationships are going out to a nice dinner and spending way too much money on extravagant gifts for their significant other to express their love for them. When you are disabled on Valentine’s Day is not the same and for some people, it can be really hard because many of us want to be in a relationship but never will be able to due to the constant discrimination you have as a disabled person. As a disabled person, I have never been in a relationship and some people argue that I would be in a relationship if I left my house more which may hold some truth but I wouldn’t totally agree that the reason I am single is because I am home all the time. I have a visible disability that is the first thing people see and often people do not look at me in the same way as they would an abled-bodied person because of the way that society has portrayed disability. If you are a single disabled person I can get the feeling of wanting to be in a relationship because I often wonder what it would feel like to be loved by someone other than family but as a disabled person sometimes you have to accept that will never be your reality. If you are disabled and struggling on Valentine’ Day it’s important that you show yourself some self-love to get through times that are difficult. In this post I am going to talk about how you can show yourself some-self-love on Valentine’s Day if you are disabled and single.
Stop believing that single equals unlovable- As a disabled person, it can be really hard to accept the reality that you may not ever have the experience of being spoiled by a partner on Valentine’s Day and sometimes disabled people get depressed and think they are unlovable. I can understand disabled people wanting the experience of going on a first date because I sometimes want that too but the reason you are not in a relationship likely has nothing to do with you as an individual and has everything to do with people getting all hung up on the fact you need a wheelchair to move. Stop believing that disabled people are not lovable garbage because we are and the problem isn’t us as an individual and it’s all the movies being created that wrongly portray disability. There is nothing wrong with wanting to be in a relationship but don’t ever our ableist society convince you that you need to be in a realtionship or you’re unlovable.
Do not stress over things you cannot control- As a disabled person, it’s very easy to get mad and upset over medical issues that we cannot control. I sometimes struggle to have a bowel movement which I did last week because I was on my period but it always happens if you don’t time it right and sometimes I get really mad from all the pain I am experiencing from not being able to go to the bathroom. I sometimes have to remind myself that sometimes these things happen and it’s okay to be annoyed by them but you shouldn’t let a medical problem that you have very little control over ruin your day. Love yourself enough to recognize that living with a disability is hard but it’s not going to be any easier the more you blame yourself because unfornately we can’t make these challenges go away by snapping our fingers. Try to not stress over things you cannot control but instead give yourself a little extra love and compassion on the hard days.
Love yourself enough to move- People always think of eating healthy and exercising as something we have to do because it’s good for us which is true but if you are able exercising is not just about reducing your risk for heart disease. Exercise is not only about changing your physical appearance and lessening the likelihood of disease but when you take care of your body it’s also a form of self-love because it’s showing that you love yourself enough to take care of your body. Disabled people that can workout often don’t because fitness is not accessible but you shouldn’t use your disability as an excuse to not exercise because it’s a form of self-care! Love yourself enough to start taking care of your health because it’s never too late. Exercise doesn’t necessarily have to mean killing yourself at the gym because you can get great benefits from a five-minute walk.
Stop comparing yourself to others- On Valentine’s Day, it’s easy to feel bad about all the things you don’t have as a disabled person because social media will be filled with all kind of love posts. I am not personally bothered by people’s Valentine’s Day posts and it actually makes me happy to see others smiling but some people cannot handle it. If you are one of those people that gets bitter on Valentine’s Day because of all the love posts, get off of it for the day. You should be happy for people and if you can’t be stay away from social media because your not going to be able to stop people from posting about their relationship and no one like that person who is negative for no reason. When you are disabled it’s easy to compare your life to the things you see on Instagram but you should try not to compare your life to what you see on social media because some of it complete lies or is only a small fraction of what someone may be dealing with. Stop comparing yourself to others that do not have a disability and focusing on all the things that you don’t have because it’s not going to make you have these things but instead focus things that you do have rather than what you don’t. As a disabled or chronically ill person it’s easy to look at what abled people can do and feel bad about yourself but you need to try and not compare yourself to people that don’t struggle like you do because how you talk about yourself matters.
Say positive mantras– As a disabled person, it sometimes can be really hard to live in a society that is constantly telling disabled people everything that is wrong with them. It sometimes gets to your head and makes you start to feel bad about yourself and question the fact that maybe something is wrong with you. I have never needed to say positive mantras to help drown out all the negativity around disability but if you struggle with seeing the positives it might be helpful to start saying postive mantras. A postive mantra is going to look different for every person and it doesn’t necessarily mean you have to look in the mirror and chant I am beautiful over and over but sometimes it’s as simple as making a list of all the things your disability has not taken from you.
If you are a single disabled person who has struggled to get in a relationship it’s okay to want what abled people have but you should never let those feelings convince you that you are unlovable because being single as a disabled person has nothing to do with you as an individual and everything to do with how society portrays disabled people. As a disabled person, I don’t get sad and depressed on Valentine’s day because I can take advantage of all the sales and don’t have to share but have learned to accept my reality even though I am not always happy about it. Society wants us to believe that someone’s disability is the problem but it’s not our disabilities that need to change and the real problem is how abled-bodied people treat disabled people that makes them feel unlovable. If you are disabled I hope you can give yourself a little self-love this Valentine’s Day and remember that today is not just about loving your spouse but it’s also about showing everyone in your life what you mean to them. How do you show yourself some self-love on Valentine’s Day.
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Sue Jackson
Great post with some excellent advice for any day of the year!