When you live with chronic pain, it can often feel isolating because chronic pain is often invisible, and sometimes you don’t feel supported. People without chronic pain often do not understand how it affects everything you do, because when you live with pain, you get good at faking being well and don’t look like you are in pain. People with chronic pain often need more support than someone without chronic pain because it is hard to live in constant pain, but often people don’t understand and don’t get the support we need to cope with it. When you live with chronic pain, you often question yourself because people in your life are saying things that they shouldn’t. People with chronic pain are more likely to develop mental issues than those without chronic pain, which is why it’s important to check on your loved ones who live with chronic pain. You never know what someone is going through by looking at them, because it’s not hard to fake being well. How can you support your loved ones with chronic pain? In this post, I am sharing a few easy ways you can support your loved ones living with chronic pain.
Believe us- Chronic pain is hard to live with because it affects everything you do, but the hardest part of living with chronic pain isn’t the pain itself, but it’s that you constantly have to prove to people that your pain is real. Chronic pain is often invisible, and it can be very hard for people without chronic pain to understand what it’s like. You don’t have to understand what I am going through because you will never understand pain you have never experienced. I shouldn’t have to start crying in front of you to be taken seriously, and you should believe pain that you have never experienced. People with chronic pain don’t want your unsolicited health advice, and we just want you to validate our pain and believe us. One of the best ways you can support someone in pain is by believing them and not making them prove that their pain is real.
Don’t give us health advice unless we ask for it– When you are disabled or chronically ill, often people will give you all kinds of unsolicited health advice because sometimes people think they are being helpful or think you need it. There is nothing wrong with giving someone health advice if they have directly asked you, but if we don’t ask for it, please keep your suggestions to yourself. Unsolicited is often ableist and not helpful because, believe me, I have tried all the obvious remedies to improve my pain, and if I haven’t, there is probably a medical reason why I haven’t tried it. People with chronic pain and disabled people in general do not want your unsolicited advice because we know how to manage our pain better than any stranger will. Sometimes, the most supportive thing you can do for your loved ones with chronic pain is not to give them unsolicited health advice. The only time it is okay to give someone health advice is if I asked for it or you are my doctor and it’s your job otherwise it’s frowned upon.
Stop saying you don’t look like you are in pain- When you have chronic pain, often people will come up to you and say “you don’t look like you are in pain” because they think it’s some kind of compliment. When you tell someone with chronic pain that they don’t look like they are in pain, it’s not a compliment and implies that you don’t believe them. People with chronic pain get very good at faking being well to make others feel more comfortable, but that doesn’t mean we are cured because chronic pain is often invisible. My chronic pain is often invisible to others, but even though you don’t see my pain, that doesn’t mean it’s not real!
Don’t say it could be worse, and at least it’s not cancer- People with chronic pain often are told, “It could be worse, and at least it’s not cancer. Cancer is a horrible disease that I wouldn’t wish on my worst enemy, but it’s not the only painful condition, and there are a lot of medical conditions that are worse or just as painful as cancer. Pain can always be worse, but that doesn’t mean I have to be grateful for it because pain is still valid even if it’s not life-threatening. Please stop telling people with chronic pain it could be worse because it dismisses the pain we are experiencing and is the opposite of being supportive. Tell your chronic pain friends that all pain is valid, even if it doesn’t kill you, because sometimes we need to hear that.
Be understanding when we cancel plans-Chronic is often unpredictable, and you can feel great today and be completely bed-bound with debilitating pain tomorrow. It can be difficult to make plans with chronic pain because you never know how you going to feel. Sometimes you make plans with your friends and have to cancel plans because your pain flares and you need to prioritize rest. People sometimes don’t understand and get mad at you for not attending the birthday party you RSVP’d to. You will never understand pain you have never experienced, and that is okay because I don’t expect you to. One of the best ways you can support someone with chronic pain is to be understanding and not make us feel guilty for needing to cancel plans because we already feel guilty enough.
Change plans when we aren’t feeling well- If you had plans with someone who has chronic pain, and they had to cancel plans because of increased pain levels, offer to change the location. Come visit us when we aren’t feeling well, or send us flowers to let us know you are still thinking of us. Some people with chronic pain are not going to be up to visitors, and you should respect that, but it’s always worth asking. Plans sometimes have to change on flare days because the worst thing you can do when you have elevated pain levels is to overdo it. You don’t always have to cancel plans, and sometimes you just have to slightly change them to accommodate your friend in pain.
Chronic pain is hard to live with, but sometimes the hardest part isn’t the pain itself but how people react to it. Invisible pain is hard for people to understand, and sometimes people forget that you are in pain because it’s not visible. People in pain need a lot of support, and one of the best ways you can support them is by believing them because no one should have to prove their pain. Some people will have visible signs of pain, but not everyone does, because the longer you live with pain, the better you get at hiding it. It is okay if you don’t understand what I am going through, but you don’t have to try to fix me, and the only thing I want is to feel supported. People in pain do not need your remedies on how we can cure ourselves, and we just need to know that you are here to support us in the best way you can. How do you support your loved ones with chronic pain? If you liked this post, please leave a comment below and share it with your friends.
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