When you are living with a lot of health issues, it is stressful, and people want to help but sometimes you aren’t being as supportive as you think you are. People sometimes will say things with good intentions because they are trying to help and don’t understand the mental toll chronic health issues have on a person. Sometimes people will say things because they think they are helping, when in reality, your comment can be taken as very dismissive and do more harm than good. If you know someone who is struggling with their health, the only thing you can do is support them in the best way that you can, because you can’t take away someone’s pain. As a disabled person living with pain, I sometimes get annoyed by some of the comments people say, but try not to take it personally because most times, loved ones want to help and don’t know how. Family and friends hate seeing their loved ones in pain and sometimes will give them unsolicited health because they think it will cure their pain. In this post, I am going to share a few things you will never see me say to someone struggling with their health.
You need to be more positive- Positivity can help people who are struggling with their health cope, but the belief that if you were a little more positive that your health issues would go away is simply not true. People sometimes will tell someone who is struggling with their health that they need to be more positive because they think it’s helpful, but forcing positivity down someone’s throat is the opposite of helpful. Positivity can help you cope with chronic health issues but there is a big difference between genuine and toxic positivity. You want to avoid toxic positivity at all costs because it’s dismissive of the pain and can make someone feel shame if their feelings are negative. Disabled people do not have to be positive all the time, and it is okay to have negative thoughts, and I don’t know a single person who is positive one-hundred percent of the time. Please stop telling people who are struggling with their health to be more positive because it’s hard to be positive when your pain is negatively affecting your life and we just need people to listen.
Everything happens for a reason– When you are struggling with your health, the last thing you want to hear someone say is “everything happens for a reason,” and this is another example of toxic positivity. People struggling with their health often ask themselves, “Why me, and what did I do to deserve this?” When you say everything happens for a reason, it implies that they deserved it and there is some good that can come from it, which is not entirely true because not everything in life has positives. In life, bad things happen to good people for reasons we will never know, and you should always avoid saying this because it’s going to anger your loved ones. Disabled people are allowed to have negative emotions toward their pain, and it is not helpful when you say everything happens for a reason.
You have to push through the pain- When you are struggling with your health, sometimes people will tell you that you will feel better if you push through the pain. People sometimes think that pushing through pain is like pushing through a tough workout, but it’s not, and if you push through pain when you should have been resting, you could make it worse. Some days I am able to exercise, but some days I am not because the pain is too much, and exercising could be dangerous if I were to force myself to do a workout. You should never tell someone that they need to push through the pain because it’s awful advice, and you could make someone bed-bound for a week by saying that. Listening to your body is so important when you have chronic health issues because the last thing you want to do is make it worse.
Good vibes only- People struggling with their health are going to have negative thoughts, and that is okay. You should never tell someone “Good vibes only” because, again, it’s toxic positivity and can make someone feel shame if their feelings are negative. Disabled people sometimes are going to have negative thoughts and that is okay because all feelings are valid, whether they are negative or positive. If you are always having negative thoughts, you might want to speak to someone about that but it’s okay to not feel positive all the time because I don’t know anyone who does.
I understand what you are going through- People often will say “I understand what you are going through” because they think they can relate, but the reality is you can’t relate to something you have never experienced. If I had a loved one struggling with their health, I would never tell them I understand what they are going through unless it was a health issue I happened to have. You will never fully understand a disability you have never experienced, and instead of saying “I understand what you are going through,” try “I am sorry you are going through that, and is there anything I can do to help?” I know you probably think you understand what it’s like to live with chronic health issues, but if you don’t have them, I promise you don’t. There are some health issues that I can relate to, but there are also many, such as cancer, that I have never experienced and I don’t know what you are going through.
If you know someone who is struggling with their health, it is so important that we support them as much as we can because it’s hard to live with chronic health issues. People with chronic health issues are at a slightly higher risk of developing a mental illness than someone without pain, and the best way we can prevent that from happening is by supporting our loved ones. You should avoid toxic positivity at all costs because it’s never helpful and will do more harm than good. People struggling with their health want to feel validated and believed and the best thing you can do for someone is listen to them. Family members who don’t have chronic health issues will never understand the stress of living with them, and that is okay, but words matter and can hurt. What would you never say to someone in pain? If you liked this post, please leave a comment below and share it with your friends.
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