How To Support Your Disabled Friends

Disabled people want to be included but often we aren’t because not everything in life is accessible and sometimes your disability prevent you from being able to participate in certain activities with your non-disabled friends. As a disabled person, I have accepted the fact that there are going to be some activities I can’t do and that is okay because I am not bothered when I can’t do something, but I am bothered when I am not invited to things that non-disabled people are. Most of the time I don’t think people are intentionally not including me and think a lot of the time people don’t think about it or know how to support their disabled loved ones. Disabled people often feel alone and isolated because none of their non-disabled friends will fully understand what it’s like to be disabled and often when people see you have a disability you are treated like a charity case. Disabled people need more support than non-disabled people because we live with more challenges than most people and supporting your disabled friends is not as hard as people think. How do you support your disabled friends?

Ask if we need help- As a disabled person with a physical disability I need more help than most people because I can’t do a lot of things that require me to stand for long periods of time and sometimes it’s easier to have other people do those things for me. I will ask for help if I need it, but I don’t always need it and one of my biggest pet peeves is when people assume I need help and do a task for me without asking. There is nothing wrong with asking if someone needs help but don’t be that friend who assumes that I always need help and can’t do anything for myself because disabled people hate that. Ask disabled people if they need help and don’t go ahead and do it anyway after we have said we don’t want your help because it’s not helpful when you do things for me without permission and takes away the little independence I do have. I may struggle to get a glass of water, but I will never improve that skill if you always insist on doing it for me because I learn how to work through barriers by doing things myself.

Before going somewhere check the accessibility- People sometimes think that checking the accessibility of a restaurant should always be up to the disabled person because we are the ones with the disability, but advocacy is not just for disabled people and non-disabled people should also be advocating for their loved ones. I am always thinking about accessibility and will advocate for myself, but I hate always being that person who has to disappoint everyone by telling them the restaurant they chose is not wheelchair accessible  Before you hang out with a disabled person check the accessibility because I love it when my friends are proactive and check the accessibility of the movie theatre before I have gotten a chance to. It shouldn’t always be the responsibility of disabled people to advocate, and it shows you are a supportive friend when you check the accessibility without being asked.

Be mindful of your surroundings- When you have a physical disability it is harder to move around than it is for non-disabled people and there is nothing more frustrating when someone dumps clothes in the middle of the floor that create even more barriers than necessary. As a disabled person I do not think that non-disabled people are intentionally trying to create barriers when they spill water and leave it but most of the time, I think people don’t think about how these things can be potential barriers for disabled people and cause falls because disability does not affect them. There are going to be times when things are going to be in the way and there aren’t a lot of places to move it but if you can eliminate obstacles please do because it helps your disabled friend tremendously. Non-disabled people often aren’t as good at recognizing when something is a barrier for disabled people because disability doesn’t affect them but if you know a disabled person and want to make their life easier it’s important that you be more mindful of your surroundings.  

Don’t try to relate to my disability- I have had many friends who have tried too hard to relate to my disability, because people often think that is what you should do but you can’t relate to something you have experienced and that is okay. Be there for your friend and don’t try to relate to a disability you have never experienced because I know you don’t understand my disability and will roll my eyes when you claim to be an expert and don’t have my disability. Disabled people don’t need their friends to relate to their disability and you are actually being less supportive when you claim to be an expert because I know you are not. There are a lot of other things you can talk about with disabled people that we both can relate to, and my disability doesn’t have to be one of them.

Don’t talk to disabled people like children- Non-disabled people often talk to disabled people like they are a child or are stupid. Some disabled people have more intellectual challenges and may struggle with having a conversation than others and sometimes you have to talk slower, but a vast majority of disabled people can have a conversation without difficulty. Please stop talking to disabled people like they are children because most disabled people have average intelligence and can have a conversation just as easily as non-disabled people can. The only time you should talk to a disabled person like they are children is if we are a child otherwise it’s probably unnecessary. When you talk to a full-grown adult who happens to be disabled like a child it makes us feel stupid and if you want to support your disabled loved ones you have to treat us like we are actual people.

Do not touch my assistive devices without permission– There is absolutely no reason you need to be playing with my assistive devices, and you should always ask disabled people before picking them up. Please do not touch my assistive devices without permission because my assistive devices are part of me and it’s a violation of someone’s personal space. If I have given you permission, it’s okay to pick up my crutches but don’t pick them up because you think they are cool.

Educate yourself on my disability- I love it when my friends take the time to learn about my disability because it tells me that you care about the challenges I face and want to help. People sometimes wait until disabled people tell them something about their disability, but you don’t have to wait because the Internet makes it easy to learn about a disability you have never experienced. I don’t expect my friends to be experts on Spina Bifida, but it does make me happy when people ask questions and take the time to learn.

When you are disabled, it is harder to find friends because people often judge disabled people before meeting them but it’s not as scary to be friends with a disabled person as people think it is and we are just normal people with that needs a little extra help sometimes. Supporting your disabled friends can be quite simple and it can be as easy as checking the accessibility and asking if there is anything you can do to make my life easier instead of assuming that I can’t do anything. As a disabled person, I don’t appreciate when people assume my abilities and go ahead and do things for me after I have said no but I do appreciate it when people ask if I need help because sometimes, I can’t do something myself and need assistance. Listen to disabled people and try not to be ableist because ableism negatively affects disabled people, and it means so much to me when I see people trying not to be ableist even if you don’t always get it right. How do you support your disabled friends? If you liked this post, please leave a comment below and share it with your friends.

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