Disability affects relationships; sometimes it brings you closer to your friends, while other times, people don’t understand, and it drives you apart. As a disabled person, I don’t have many friends because I have always struggled to find friends who see me as a person, not my disability. I haven’t had the best luck with friends who aren’t disabled because they just want to cure me, and my most supportive friends are disabled. Chronic pain is often invisible, and it can be equally as hard, if not harder, for someone with chronic pain to make friends because their pain is not always visible, and people sometimes don’t believe it’s real. Friendships with someone who has chronic pain can be beautiful, but it’s going to look different because you always have to be thinking about your pain before doing them. People in pain want to feel supported in their friendships, but sometimes people don’t know how to act around us, and we don’t feel supported. How can you be a good friend to someone with chronic pain? In this post, I am going to talk about how you can be a good friend to someone who lives with chronic pain.
Don’t make someone feel guilty for canceling plans- When you have chronic pain, sometimes it can be difficult to make plans because pain is often unpredictable. You can be taking every precaution and resting a lot to prevent a flare, and it still happens. One of the most supportive things you can do for your chronic pain friends is not get mad or make them feel guilty for needing to cancel plans. Chronic pain is often unpredictable, and sometimes you have to bail on an event you have been planning on attending for months because your body says no. I already feel guilty enough when I have to bail on an event because of pain, and you are not helping remove some of that guilt when you shame someone for canceling plans at the last minute. If you want to be a supportive friend, try to be understanding when someone cancels plans because, believe me, I am more disappointed than you are. Some of the most supportive friends I have had are people who understand chronic pain is often unpredictable and don’t question me.
Remind them that their pain is not their fault– When you live with chronic pain and can’t get out of bed because of increased pain, often we beat ourselves up and blame ourselves for the pain. If you have a friend with chronic pain, and they are having a hard day, one of the best things you can do is remind them that their pain is not their fault. Sometimes we need that reminder because there are so many people who doubt our pain and make us feel like it is our fault. Supportive friends don’t question whether someone’s pain is real, because it’s not your place to make judgments, but are there to support them. Friendships often fall apart when people don’t believe in pain they cannot see, and it’s so important that you let your chronic pain friend know that their pain is not their fault. I should be able to go to my friends for support when I am going through a hard time, and there is nothing worse than your friends calling you a liar and not believing you.
Offer to come sit with them- If you had plans with someone who has chronic pain, and had to cancel them because they weren’t well, offer to come sit with them instead. Bad pain days are hard because a lot of the time, you can’t get out of bed and may struggle to do basic tasks. Most people do not understand what it’s like to live with chronic pain, and sometimes it can feel lonely. One of the most supportive things you can do for your friend is to make sure they aren’t alone. If your friend is not feeling well, offer to come to them instead of them coming to you, because you don’t always have to cancel the plans, and sometimes you just have to change them. Some people with chronic pain are going to cancel plans entirely and won’t want any visitors, but it can never hurt to ask.
Offer to run errands for them- When you have chronic pain, and your pain levels are elevated, often you are stuck in bed for days, and it can be very hard to do simple tasks because even getting up to go to the bathroom can feel like a marathon. If you want to support your chronic pain friends, offer to run errands for them because it is likely that they are not well enough to do it themselves. Some disabled people do not drive and will not be able to get in their car and go grocery shopping, and that is okay, but if you are able, it can be very helpful to someone who is struggling. Do what you can to help make your friend’s life because even something simple, such as making someone a sandwich, can be helpful to someone who is struggling with pain.
Bring them something to cheer them up- When you have chronic pain and are experiencing a flare, it often affects your mental health, and you may become depressed. If you have a friend who is not feeling well, buy them some flowers or go to their favorite coffee shop and get them a coffee. Pain can be depressing, and there is nothing you can do to take away the pain, but never underestimate the power of being there for someone. Sometimes it’s the little things that you wouldn’t think would make a whole lot of difference that make the biggest impact and can brighten someone’s day.
Don’t force positivity down someone’s throat- When you are experiencing a lot of pain, often you are not going to be the happiest person on the planet and may have negative thoughts. Positivity can help you cope on bad days, but toxic positivity is harmful. If you want to be a supportive friend, let them get their negative feeling out because sometimes people need to vent. The best thing you can do for your friends who are struggling is to listen to them instead of forcing positivity down their throat. People in pain want their feelings to be validated, and the best thing you can do for your friend is to support their feelings, whether they are positive or negative. Everyone has negative thoughts sometimes, and forcing positivity down someone’s throat can be harmful because it makes people feel like their negative thoughts are bad or wrong.
Friendships with someone who has chronic pain can be hard because not everyone understands that pain is unpredictable and wants to fix you. I don’t have a lot of friends because it is hard to make friends when you are disabled, but the ones I do have are strong because my friends respect boundaries and don’t question my pain. Relationships with disabled people can be unbreakable, and one of the most common reasons they don’t last is not being believed. Disabled people do not want their friends giving them unsolicited health advice, and we just need someone who will be there for us through the good and bad times. People in pain don’t want your cures because most disabilities are incurable, and they just want to be believed. Listen to disabled people because friendships often fall apart when non-disabled people don’t listen and think they know our disabilities better than we do. How do you support your chronic pain friends? If you liked this post, please leave a comment below and share it with your friends.
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